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12 things I need to start teaching my kids

19 May

12 things I hope to teach my children… now this is parenting!

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“Your room looks like a tornado hit it.”
2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
“You better pray that comes out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week.”
4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, I can take you out.”
6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don’t have wonderful parents like you.”
7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when we get home.”
8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
“Shut that door… You think you were raised in a barn?”
9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids… I hope they turn out just like you!”
10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
“Because I said so, That’s why.”
11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until your spinach is gone.”
12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
“Keep crying. I’ll give you something to cry about.”

 

Does anyone else use #4 and #12 on the daily like me?!

calvin_hobbes_shoveling

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A pile-o-shit past

15 May

Can I be completely honest with you?

I am scared shitless of my past.

I’ve managed to cover up my dirty past tracks by kicking ass at becoming a good wife and mother. There’s no doubt that if you wanted to you could find some nasty dirt on me, but it’s something I’d rather you keep to yourself; I mean, I did have to live through it.

I was a shitty girlfriend.

I was a shitty friend.

I was a shitty member of my community.

I was even more of a shitty daughter.

I was basically pretty shitty when it came to anything/anyone.

It’s because of all of those disappointments {topped off with regret} that I tend to imagine that my past never happened; I never cheated on a boyfriend, I never religiously stole from Nordstrom, I never lied, I never broke all of those hearts, I never scrubbed the toilet with my sisters tooth-brush, I never lost my temper and slammed a neighborhood kids head into the curb, I never was reported a missing child {and it wasn’t over 3 times}.

It never happened. None of it. Annnnd if you find proof that it did, well you can let my lawyer know by contacting him at: theywillneverfindyourbody@i’manangel.com

It’s something I dread even remembering. I was a horrible person and I am frequently reminded about it, even in my dreams.

I obviously have issues that need to be addressed, but really?! Who wants to go back into the past and remember how horrible they were, I’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s easier that way… {and this is why my psychologist gives me all sorts of happy pills}.

This brings me to something that happened this morning…

I stopped by the store and picked up our local free Big Island Weekly. I don’t often read it, but sometimes I take a gander at what might be going on in this small ass town. Again, I must be honest, its come to my attention that the only thing even remotely read-worthy in that paper is the amusing Horoscope section {unless my child is pictured in the paper like that one time}. Now I am not one to believe in such telling’s, but today is one of those days where I question the universe. {I have a lot of questions, but I am too lazy to ask them all, so I’ll let you do the asking and I’ll just Google what you find out…}

What the Horoscope read today:

Scorpio: yadda yadda, mumbo-jumbo about a Greek Poet named Sappho and her lost poems… I kept reading. I wasn’t too bored yet. It wasn’t until the end where I felt something pull… {or maybe that was my “medication” kicking in}

“…Your assignment, Scorpio, is to seek an equivalent recovery. Search for a part of the past that’s still beautiful and useful, even if that quest leads you to unlikely and obscure places…”

Hmmm…

I love how the newspaper is giving me assignments and sending me on a “quest”. Umm, does this mean I have to pay out-of-pocket to go on this “quest” or is it all just a scam!  {You better believe I am not sending any money orders to China for a deposit because I HIGHLY doubt you are a missionary in China and wanted to rent out your house while you are gone and once I send you my deposit you will send me the keys…right. I’ll send it. Right. Away. Duuuuuumb.}

Okay, so I’m sure the newspaper is not sending me on an actual quest {even though riding through Camelot on a horse and protecting myself with a sword does sound amazing} but more of a metaphoric quest. The search into my past to forget all the bad things I have done in search of something good. There is no doubt that I will have to gear up for this quest. I think I’ll buy some protective gear on ebay since I will be digging through a lot of SHIT in search of something good. A diamond in the rough, a needle in a haystack, a corn kernel in a great big pile of shit. shit. shit.

I guess I can accept this quest, if it allows me to be at peace with my devious past. If I can focus on something good, like a beautiful flower blooming out of the pile of shit, maybe I can forgive myself convience myself that I did all those bad things for a… reason. I mean, I can honestly find some useful things in my horrid past. For instance, I didn’t lose any of my skills in embezzlement and that is something I can find “useful”… isn’t it?

We all need reasoning. Even if it means going to the ends of the earth to look through a huge, astronomical, pile-o-shit past just to find it.

{snapping on a plastic glove}

cd-cover

My pile of shit QUEST AWAITS!

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Social media is gay

3 May

So a good friend and I were texting back and forth this morning. We were talking about the only thing that seems to be interesting enough to take your time away from what you are supposed to be doing instead – gossip and relationships.

It has come to my attention that social media is gay and has definitely changed so much about how we communicate – even if we don’t want to hear about what you had for dinner, you will tell us anyway. You share that you are slightly gassy and that you will regret eating that cheese plate later but you don’t care because you will be alone tonight {oh so GLAM}, among other TMI things. In fact, you might even post about this blog… I’ll just wait here while you go post it up on your “facebook”/”twitter”/”instagram”/”the government knows when I take a shit”, account….

Shit like that should be kept confident, or at least in a private #anyman group or a blog which no one really reads {check} – even I have standards people.

Okay so, back to my conversation I was having with my friend. This is an actual conversation that I had with my friend, not like many other conversations that I mistake having with other people, but in fact, they were only with my alias, aka – myself. Shit gets complicated sometimes… I shall start towards the end, the good part, obviously.

Me: “They’re damn fools, you said it right.”

Friend: “Aye Carumba!” {i couldn’t believe she actually spelled it out, it’s one of those words that just shouldn’t be spelled, but said, ya know like “supercalafragalistic…..” ugh you get it} “All this drama makes me real grateful that I am boring and no one cares about what I do enough to take to social media about it. ha ha ha yeah! Three cheers to getting old and not being a hipster! AND saying ‘Jew’ if I damn well please” {that’s so jewish of her} “And eating carne asada fries….”

{yes, cheers to us, jewish crackers who have a slight obsession for driving to Jilbertos at 2am for Carne Asada fries. Must. Have.}

Me: “Oh man, I just spit my coffee out. hahaha. No one wants to air my dirty laundry out on social media either, are we really that boring?!” {besides myself, yes, I tell on myself all the time, but I guess it’s not social media crack… oh well, thank you blog} “What the hell, I think I might three cheers to not being a hipster”

Jewish Cracker Friend: “Or trendy, vegan, hippie, opposed to non-natural deodorant, politically correct, ethnically sensitive, or scared to say the word ‘gay’ in Hillcrest. Oh and just generally not giving a fuck so long as I make myself laugh. {cheers to that} But, really… why can’t you say the word ‘gay’ in Hillcrest??”

Not scared to say the word ‘gay’ in Hillcrest me: “Who the fuck knows! Aren’t they a gay community? Do they all of a sudden think that the word ‘gay’ is offensive? Is “Hillcrest” so gay that everyone should just know that they are gay therefore no reason to say ‘gay’ and if you do you obviously don’t like the ‘gays’? Ah shit, should we ask someone who is gay?”

Cracker Friend: “Well if we ask someone who is gay then they would obviously need to live in Hillcrest to properly answer our question.”

Questioning the gays me: “Well what if we ask someone in Hillcrest about this ‘don’t say gay’ question we have, will we be able to actually say the word ‘gay’ or will be offending them just by asking and saying the word gay?”

Don’t give a fuck friend: “Well fuck, yes, we should say the word ‘gay’. They can’t get offended if we are just referencing the ‘gay’ word to the gay word in a gay community.”

Ugh me: “Oh okay, well the next time we are in Hillcrest, we shall ask a gay person and tell them before hand that we are merely using the word gay as a reference to our gay question and to not get mad at us for using the word ‘gay’, if in fact, they are offended by us using and saying the word gay.”

Jewish white girl: “That is so gay.”

Gay me: ” I know right….”

Yes, I know what you are thinking but this is the type of conversations I have with my friends all the time, if I can remember them. You don’t have good girlfriends unless you can call each other “jewish crackers” and it’s totally normal shit talking fun, some may even call it love. Annnd to make myself clear, my friend, nor I, are Jewish or gay and that we love all sorts of people, unless you’re a dumbass, that is, frankly, where we draw the line. We say what we think, its diarrhea of the mouth {DOTM} and sometimes we get a few raised eyebrows for it {livin’ the dream}. We can’t help it. You should see us with a few shots of Whiskey… now… “Go sit on Santa’s lap Timmy….” HASH tag #hatersgonnahate  aint that the truth, aint that the TRUTH.

Now, go hashtag #jewishcracker social media commands it!

GAY!

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