A pile-o-shit past

15 May

Can I be completely honest with you?

I am scared shitless of my past.

I’ve managed to cover up my dirty past tracks by kicking ass at becoming a good wife and mother. There’s no doubt that if you wanted to you could find some nasty dirt on me, but it’s something I’d rather you keep to yourself; I mean, I did have to live through it.

I was a shitty girlfriend.

I was a shitty friend.

I was a shitty member of my community.

I was even more of a shitty daughter.

I was basically pretty shitty when it came to anything/anyone.

It’s because of all of those disappointments {topped off with regret} that I tend to imagine that my past never happened; I never cheated on a boyfriend, I never religiously stole from Nordstrom, I never lied, I never broke all of those hearts, I never scrubbed the toilet with my sisters tooth-brush, I never lost my temper and slammed a neighborhood kids head into the curb, I never was reported a missing child {and it wasn’t over 3 times}.

It never happened. None of it. Annnnd if you find proof that it did, well you can let my lawyer know by contacting him at: theywillneverfindyourbody@i’manangel.com

It’s something I dread even remembering. I was a horrible person and I am frequently reminded about it, even in my dreams.

I obviously have issues that need to be addressed, but really?! Who wants to go back into the past and remember how horrible they were, I’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s easier that way… {and this is why my psychologist gives me all sorts of happy pills}.

This brings me to something that happened this morning…

I stopped by the store and picked up our local free Big Island Weekly. I don’t often read it, but sometimes I take a gander at what might be going on in this small ass town. Again, I must be honest, its come to my attention that the only thing even remotely read-worthy in that paper is the amusing Horoscope section {unless my child is pictured in the paper like that one time}. Now I am not one to believe in such telling’s, but today is one of those days where I question the universe. {I have a lot of questions, but I am too lazy to ask them all, so I’ll let you do the asking and I’ll just Google what you find out…}

What the Horoscope read today:

Scorpio: yadda yadda, mumbo-jumbo about a Greek Poet named Sappho and her lost poems… I kept reading. I wasn’t too bored yet. It wasn’t until the end where I felt something pull… {or maybe that was my “medication” kicking in}

“…Your assignment, Scorpio, is to seek an equivalent recovery. Search for a part of the past that’s still beautiful and useful, even if that quest leads you to unlikely and obscure places…”

Hmmm…

I love how the newspaper is giving me assignments and sending me on a “quest”. Umm, does this mean I have to pay out-of-pocket to go on this “quest” or is it all just a scam!  {You better believe I am not sending any money orders to China for a deposit because I HIGHLY doubt you are a missionary in China and wanted to rent out your house while you are gone and once I send you my deposit you will send me the keys…right. I’ll send it. Right. Away. Duuuuuumb.}

Okay, so I’m sure the newspaper is not sending me on an actual quest {even though riding through Camelot on a horse and protecting myself with a sword does sound amazing} but more of a metaphoric quest. The search into my past to forget all the bad things I have done in search of something good. There is no doubt that I will have to gear up for this quest. I think I’ll buy some protective gear on ebay since I will be digging through a lot of SHIT in search of something good. A diamond in the rough, a needle in a haystack, a corn kernel in a great big pile of shit. shit. shit.

I guess I can accept this quest, if it allows me to be at peace with my devious past. If I can focus on something good, like a beautiful flower blooming out of the pile of shit, maybe I can forgive myself convience myself that I did all those bad things for a… reason. I mean, I can honestly find some useful things in my horrid past. For instance, I didn’t lose any of my skills in embezzlement and that is something I can find “useful”… isn’t it?

We all need reasoning. Even if it means going to the ends of the earth to look through a huge, astronomical, pile-o-shit past just to find it.

{snapping on a plastic glove}

cd-cover

My pile of shit QUEST AWAITS!

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