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What a year makes…

14 Jul

I’ve been digesting and trying to process the events of my life this past year. It’s been a rollercoaster ride full of emotions on either side of the spectrum. I felt deep emotional pain, happiness beyond words and have felt every hill in between. 

A year ago I was restricted to my dark bedroom with an emotional migraine from the depths of hell itself. I was so over whelmed with what was going on in my life that it seemed to seep out of my body with each pound. 

My life would never be the same. 

I had just found out I was having a girl and It was such a sweet moment grown out of the roots of thee unknown. In that exact moment everything I had felt up till that point felt as if it was being released out of my body as I laid in the dark. It’s hard to explain the feeling and some may think I’m insane, but I felt it. 


In an instant of knowing I would be having my girl, rivers ran down my face. They didn’t stop for 4 days. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I needed my time to let it all release. 

(The number 4 has had a significance in my story with Grace – but that’s a different post for a much different day)

What a year it’s been since that day. Since that moment I have been just soaking it all in. I can stare at my daughter for hours. Even though she has only been here for 7 months, I feel like I have known her my whole life. I feel it confirmed when I can see my Grandma in her face. It’s confirmed when I hear God tell me “I told you”. 

I never want to feel the hurt I had felt last year again, but I am happy to have felt it. It was real. It was raw and it was life. It was a reminder, again, about how little we have control over our lives. 

๐Ÿ‘ฏ๐Ÿ’ž

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Which carrot are you?

11 Apr

Which carrot are you?

Last summer we planted some carrots in our garden. We spaced them out evenly and made sure they each had the same amount of soil and water. We cared for them by watering and pulling up any weeds that may have popped up to steal the nutrients away from our crop. It was a long couple of months being patient and waiting for the right time to pull up our harvest.

We got impatient a time or two and pulled one or two up here and there, but they were never the size we wanted or expected. So we waited more…

Until yesterday when it seemed fit to finally pull up our remaining crop for a dinner I was preparing. To my amazement, they were all different in size! None was like the other. You’d pull up one and it would be a really nice straight one and then you’d pull up the one right next to it and it would only be a couple of inches long.

The tops of the carrots all matched in height, their greenery was long and luscious, a deceiving outward appearance and not at all a real testament to what lies beneath.
It was a suspenseful moment in time pulling up all the carrots. A rewarding time, a “pulling of straws” if you will.
As I washed and sized up the harvest I laid them side by side. The biggest carrot next to the smallest. I wondered how two carrots could be completely opposite, yet had grown in the same elements; given the same amount of water, sun and attention. Two carrots who looked identical on the outside, were so different on the inside.

I began to get deep. I do that sometimes.

I thought about the adversities that one carrot can come into contact with. Carrots need a deep space to grow big and long, a hard accomplishment for a carrot when grown in soil above a land mass made of hard lava rock. Clearly they all had faced the harsh reality of the solid lava rocks below. A small carrot root is no match against it. So why, again I pondered, was one so much bigger and stronger than its counter?

I can’t speak for the carrots, but I can take a guess. Ready?

The longest and biggest carrot we pulled up was pulled up from between the lava rock cracks. It had found a way, underneath the soil and lava rock, to grow to its full potential.

Life is like this. People are like this.

On the outside you may all look the same, but on the inside, deep down beneath the surface is where your strength lies. We are all faced with challenges, lava rocks per say. Some of us choose to quit growing because we think that there is no more room. We see the obstacle and find it immovable, so we stay. We slow down our growth and stay where we think is our limit. We feel safe there because, hey, this just might be the end of the road. So we give up growing without even trying.

While some of us don’t give up. We see our lava rock and we laugh at it. We search for a hole, for a sliver, for a crack of light… because sometimes that’s all we need to grow to our next level, and we aim our roots and we push through it. We push through our battles, we push through our hard places, we push because we know if we can just find one open space, we can flourish.

So, I ask again…
Which carrot are you?

‘Tis the season for ‘no good deed goes unpunished’

2 Dec

Disclaimer:

This post contains the word FUCK. If you do give a fuck about that, then don’t read it. But, if you don’t give a fuck, then you should proceed.. or don’t, I don’t give a fuck really. Happy Holidays ๐Ÿ™‚


 

When I was younger I recall my father telling me that “No good deed goes unpunished”. Being young, I really didn’t know exactly what that meant. But, as the years have passed since then, I have come to realize the harsh reality of which and it has led me to understand: CARING TOO MUCH CAN FUCK YOU OVER! annnnnnnd it does…

but,

I have always been one to care {doh!}. I have a simple, yet giving heart which controls my need to always put my neck out… and more often than not, my neck gets blown off. {I envision the alien guy, Jeebs, from the movie Men In Black, when he gets his head shot off, he just grows another – yeah, that’s me}

You’d think after having my good deeds backfire time and time again that I would take a note fromย  Rhett Butlerย and just say “FRANKLY, MY DEAR, I DON’T GIVE A DAMN”.

frankly my dear

But I can’t.

Thus lies the crossroads to giving a shit and the need to stop giving a shit. It’s a shitty sticky situation {say that 10x fast}.

The holiday season is full of passion, giving, cheerfulness and… assholes. Is it just me, or do the majority of assholes {not all of them} just stay indoors all year long and the second the holidays come around, they decide to shit on all of the rest of us normal people who give a fuck? They are everywhere. {And possibly reading this right now. Well, can I just say that I am OVER YOU! Go back home and shit in your own yard. Yeah, you!}

I can’t even tell you how many times I have had done something nice and have had it backfire on me. I’m a genuinely caring person, so I’m not sure what karma is doing to me, but I am fucking paying! I can only think that maybe in a past life I really didn’t give a fuck, let alone give two fucks, and now I am reaping all that built up bad karma from the old me. Like the “past life me” pushed grandma’s down stairs, told mom’s their babies were ugly, and stole money from the Salvation Army bucket. Not a single fuck was given from the “past life me”. Well SCREW YOU OLD PAST LIFE ME!

I digress…

So, today, while driving to Longs Drugs {yes, its’ still called ‘Longs’ here in Hawaii. They {{meaning whomever showed up at the meeting that day}} thought it best not to confuse the people of Hawaii. We would notice that the name changed to CVS, and clearly not know what the CVS stands for and probably not shop there anymore. I don’t know what our obsession is of ‘Longs’, but it’s deep and should not be fucked with. #LONGLIVELONGS. FOREVER}….anywho…

Oh brah, right… So I was driving through the Longs parking lot when I saw a man backing out of his spot in the next row. I wasn’t planning on parking there but I couldn’t help but see how sharply he was backing out, and before I knew it, this guy backed into the car parked beside him. This guy clearly didn’t give a fuck and started to drive off! I, giving a fuck, noticed this guy trying to drive off. ย I quickly pulled into a stall and ran out to yell at him. I was throwing up my hands and yelling. I simple knew this asshole wasn’t going to stop, so I used my Jedi skills and memorized his license plate as he drove away. I waited for a bit thinking he would come back… the asshole didn’t! So I started to write a note to the person he hit when she came out of the store. I approached her and told her the story and gave her the man’s license plate number. She was clearly thankful and appreciative of me. She continued to embellish that there should be more people in the world like me. You’re welcome. {duh, I’ve been trying to tell you that for how long now?}. I felt ten-feet tall. I went into the store and did my shopping with a smile on my face. I think I was even humming a Christmas Carol – okay so it was Miranda Lamberts’ “Gravity is a bitch”, but dammnit I was humming! I even let someone go ahead of me in line. I was happy. I was cheerful. I loaded my gifts and jumped in my truck, Big Blue….

Now, I can’t tell you for sure, but once I saw it, I think the words ย “WHAT THAAA FUCK”ย echoed loudly from my mouth. Loudly. There it was. A ticket on my windshield. Apparently when I pulled quickly into the stall to chase down Christmas Asshole, I had parked in the middle of two stalls. Annnnnnnd apparently this is frowned upon in the Longs’ parking lot. Now…, let me tell you that there was NO ONE, repeat it, NO FUCKING ONE parked in that row. There wasn’t even a half-full parking lot. It was as crowded as the “Gun Buy-Back” in California. There was hardly anyone there. Annnnd the people who were there were either scoring on returning something that was broken, or they didn’t know why they were there to begin with {hey guys, there’s a line, let’s stand in it} annnnnd I was the asshole that took up two spots… oh no! Fuck you! I was the “good Samaritan” trying to help a neighbor out and accidentally parked in two spots. Thanks. You just made my day!

I, however, with a Grinchly grin, shoved the ticket in the compartment of my middle conceal, flipped off the security guard and drove away. Ya know, because how else should we react to being screwed over… again. It was either that, or mail the ticket to the nice lady I had just helped. Assholes!

If it wasn’t this event that happened today it was the one that happened last week at work {If you don’t have enough money to tip, you don’t have enough money to eat at a restaurant, especially my restaurant where I give my all and not for minimum wage you jerk}… Or it would be the one that will positively happen next month. ย It’s a vicious cycle of good and punishment.

Just keep swimming… just keep swimming.

Thus, ‘Tis the season for ‘No good deed goes un-punished’ is giving me a new outlook on life. I shall start my research on “How to not give a fuck” and let you know how it turns out.

giving a fuck

 

 

 

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