A better version of me

18 Jun
Three years ago I was going thru one of the worst times of my life – and although I didn’t need the reminder of how low I had gotten – Facebook quickly reminded me with a “memories” pop up. ugh.
Three years ago I struggled each day with a feeling of not being wanted, not feeling loved and not evening loving myself for the choices I’ve made. I was hurting so deeply that I had to muster up enough energy to make it to the next day. The days kept coming without fail and I had to figure out a way to be happy- not only for myself, but for my children and for my unborn baby that was growing inside of me.It finally hit me on Father Day weekend 2016 while I laid in bed crying. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. I remember this overwhelming strength, a “warmness”, come over me that told me to “breathe it all in, April. Allow yourself to feel it instead of fighting it, now let it out – let it go”. And I did. And in that moment, I had to write it all down. Everything I had felt in that moment that gave me strength, I had to remember it. I have that to hold onto now. I never want to feel like that again, but having this reminder resonates with me. We can’t control what happened in the past or how we felt, but we can always strive to be a better version of ourselves everyday.

I wanted to share what I had written that night. You can read it below.
June 18, 2016 at 11:07 PMIt’s raw and its me:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~
As I sit here on our hotel bed tonight, I am succumbed with emotions. I look back on where I have been and where I am now and I just breathe it all in. In through my nose, and out of my mouth… I count to 5… And I do it again. With every inhale, I allow myself to ‘feel’ every little thing, every emotion, every thought, every positive and negative. I allow myself to be at one with it all. And just as easily as I allow myself to feel, I allow myself to let go with every outpouring of my breath.

What we hold onto today, tonight, or from our “yesterdays”, we take into our tomorrows’. My frustration, my fear, my doubt, my insecurities, my dreams that will never become reality, my “expectations”… All disappear with a breath. I am able to allow myself to detach from things that don’t hold me to a higher place. I detach myself from things that don’t challenge, encourage or allow me to express my ability to be a better version of me. Today may have been amazing, and it was, but I cannot say that everyday – who really can? What I can say everyday is that when I lay in my bed at night, I breathe my day in and breathe my day out… I filter the good from the bad and I let it go. Knowing now, learning now, understanding me and who I want to be tomorrow and how I can achieve that.

I thank God everyday for giving me what I have and the ability to let go of things that I don’t need. I envision myself on an elevator of life, only heading up and on my way up, things/people/objects/emotions/immaturity/insecurities – they all have their “floor” to which I breathe them a fair goodbye and thank them for allowing me to learn from it and let them off, watch the door shut, and I smile knowing I am still on my way up. I am a better version of me, everyday I wake. But, I am not perfect, and sometimes to be better version of ourselves, we need to take a few steps back. I am humbled and always in need of being slapped in the face with reality every now and then. For it allows me to remember how much of my life I have control of and how little I can actually control.

So tonight, I breathe in and allow myself to trust, knowing that God always had a plan for my life and how little I can control that. I breathe out and let go of what I thought was to be, and allow what IS to fulfill my happiness tank and wake up tomorrow a new and better version of who I thought I was today.

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