Conversations with a Pre*teen

6 Sep

Conversations with a Pre*Teen

“He knows some shit”

While riding in the car to school this morning, the song “drunk on a plane” by Dierks Bentley was on the radio softly playing the background of our morning conversations. Reilly, my 12 year old was singing along.

Trying not to make a big deal about it, I chime in.

“It’s not that appropriate for a kid to say ‘drunk’. Do you know what that even means?” I say, knowing that he knew what the word was, to an extent. I mean, at 12, you’ve already seen some shit and heard some shit.

“Yeah, Mom, I know what it means.” He says with his pre-teen “know-it-all” attitude.

“Okay, can you tell me what you think it means?” I ask.

“It’s when you drink too much alcohol.” He proceeds opening his eyes freakishly wide. “It affects your minnnnnnnnnnnd and makes you act all crazy and lose your thoughts.” He pauses for a brief second. “It hurts your brain.” He says all theatrically, waving his arms all around in an ape like manner.

“Oh yeah!?” I asked, trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, it’s like this for an example.” He starts in seriously.
“I think this might be the best way I can describe it. It’s like a phone that needs to be updated. It lags before the update, then it updates, resets, rests and it gets better. It works better.”

“Ohhh?” I asked, trying to understand his thought process of relating being “drunk” to a phone that needs to be updated. 🤷🏼‍♀️

“Yeah, it’s like not working. Your brain isn’t working and it makes all your internal organs and insides mad and not work.” He says with distinct truth.

“Oh, that’s an interesting comparison, Reilly.” I say, trying to say as little as possible. I can see the wheels moving and he has more to say…

“It impairs your function, mom.” He explains.

I paused. I let his knowledge of this topic sink in for a moment and I quickly realized that I am thankful for having this impromptu conversation about real life with him.

“You. Are. Absolutely. Right. It does impair your basic functions. Like walking, talking or driving…” I stated.

Being blown away with his knowledge of how alcohol affects your body I had to ask…

“So, where did you learn all of that, Reilly?” I ask, in hopes he doesn’t tell an embarrassing story he witnessed. 🙈

“I learned it watching a documentary!” He exclaims.


“Okay…” I say, knowing he has watched many documentaries in his short existence.

“But, you do know… talking about being drunk isn’t appropriate for your age… and….”

“I know mom.” Reilly interrupts.

“Okay, because you aren’t even allowed to drink alcohol until you’re 21. When you turn 21 you can decide for yourself what you want to do. Some people take drinking alcohol to the extreme and don’t know when they need to stop. This makes them drunk and impairs their judgement and sometimes they make very bad choices. Like getting behind the wheel and driving…” I say again with a very serious voice. Since we are driving, I thought it was fitting.

“They also make choices to stay home and hang out with their friends being silly until like 3 in the morning, mom” He says, laughing like he’s seen or knows something.

“Yeah, that’s true Reilly. Those are called responsible drunk people.” I say laughing back.

If I can do anything with my children, I want to be open and honest with them. I want to teach them about their choices in life and how each choice can make a difference in their path in life. But, mostly I want them to know it’s always their choice. I can only hope they make the best choice. I can only hope I have raised them in the direction they must go by being an example. Not a perfect example, but a real one.

I love having these random conversations with my pre-teen. Although he drives me insane at times and I seriously worry about his future, it’s times like this that I am reassured that he has a good head on his shoulders and that he will ultimately make the good choices. Even if making a few bad ones along the way teach him that.

Love and Laughs!


A better version of me

18 Jun
Three years ago I was going thru one of the worst times of my life – and although I didn’t need the reminder of how low I had gotten – Facebook quickly reminded me with a “memories” pop up. ugh.
Three years ago I struggled each day with a feeling of not being wanted, not feeling loved and not evening loving myself for the choices I’ve made. I was hurting so deeply that I had to muster up enough energy to make it to the next day. The days kept coming without fail and I had to figure out a way to be happy- not only for myself, but for my children and for my unborn baby that was growing inside of me.It finally hit me on Father Day weekend 2016 while I laid in bed crying. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. I remember this overwhelming strength, a “warmness”, come over me that told me to “breathe it all in, April. Allow yourself to feel it instead of fighting it, now let it out – let it go”. And I did. And in that moment, I had to write it all down. Everything I had felt in that moment that gave me strength, I had to remember it. I have that to hold onto now. I never want to feel like that again, but having this reminder resonates with me. We can’t control what happened in the past or how we felt, but we can always strive to be a better version of ourselves everyday.

I wanted to share what I had written that night. You can read it below.
June 18, 2016 at 11:07 PMIt’s raw and its me:
As I sit here on our hotel bed tonight, I am succumbed with emotions. I look back on where I have been and where I am now and I just breathe it all in. In through my nose, and out of my mouth… I count to 5… And I do it again. With every inhale, I allow myself to ‘feel’ every little thing, every emotion, every thought, every positive and negative. I allow myself to be at one with it all. And just as easily as I allow myself to feel, I allow myself to let go with every outpouring of my breath.

What we hold onto today, tonight, or from our “yesterdays”, we take into our tomorrows’. My frustration, my fear, my doubt, my insecurities, my dreams that will never become reality, my “expectations”… All disappear with a breath. I am able to allow myself to detach from things that don’t hold me to a higher place. I detach myself from things that don’t challenge, encourage or allow me to express my ability to be a better version of me. Today may have been amazing, and it was, but I cannot say that everyday – who really can? What I can say everyday is that when I lay in my bed at night, I breathe my day in and breathe my day out… I filter the good from the bad and I let it go. Knowing now, learning now, understanding me and who I want to be tomorrow and how I can achieve that.

I thank God everyday for giving me what I have and the ability to let go of things that I don’t need. I envision myself on an elevator of life, only heading up and on my way up, things/people/objects/emotions/immaturity/insecurities – they all have their “floor” to which I breathe them a fair goodbye and thank them for allowing me to learn from it and let them off, watch the door shut, and I smile knowing I am still on my way up. I am a better version of me, everyday I wake. But, I am not perfect, and sometimes to be better version of ourselves, we need to take a few steps back. I am humbled and always in need of being slapped in the face with reality every now and then. For it allows me to remember how much of my life I have control of and how little I can actually control.

So tonight, I breathe in and allow myself to trust, knowing that God always had a plan for my life and how little I can control that. I breathe out and let go of what I thought was to be, and allow what IS to fulfill my happiness tank and wake up tomorrow a new and better version of who I thought I was today.

What a year makes…

14 Jul

I’ve been digesting and trying to process the events of my life this past year. It’s been a rollercoaster ride full of emotions on either side of the spectrum. I felt deep emotional pain, happiness beyond words and have felt every hill in between. 

A year ago I was restricted to my dark bedroom with an emotional migraine from the depths of hell itself. I was so over whelmed with what was going on in my life that it seemed to seep out of my body with each pound. 

My life would never be the same. 

I had just found out I was having a girl and It was such a sweet moment grown out of the roots of thee unknown. In that exact moment everything I had felt up till that point felt as if it was being released out of my body as I laid in the dark. It’s hard to explain the feeling and some may think I’m insane, but I felt it. 

In an instant of knowing I would be having my girl, rivers ran down my face. They didn’t stop for 4 days. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I needed my time to let it all release. 

(The number 4 has had a significance in my story with Grace – but that’s a different post for a much different day)

What a year it’s been since that day. Since that moment I have been just soaking it all in. I can stare at my daughter for hours. Even though she has only been here for 7 months, I feel like I have known her my whole life. I feel it confirmed when I can see my Grandma in her face. It’s confirmed when I hear God tell me “I told you”. 

I never want to feel the hurt I had felt last year again, but I am happy to have felt it. It was real. It was raw and it was life. It was a reminder, again, about how little we have control over our lives. 


%d bloggers like this: