A better version of me

18 Jun
Three years ago I was going thru one of the worst times of my life – and although I didn’t need the reminder of how low I had gotten – Facebook quickly reminded me with a “memories” pop up. ugh.
Three years ago I struggled each day with a feeling of not being wanted, not feeling loved and not evening loving myself for the choices I’ve made. I was hurting so deeply that I had to muster up enough energy to make it to the next day. The days kept coming without fail and I had to figure out a way to be happy- not only for myself, but for my children and for my unborn baby that was growing inside of me.It finally hit me on Father Day weekend 2016 while I laid in bed crying. I was crying so hard I was hyperventilating and couldn’t breathe. I remember this overwhelming strength, a “warmness”, come over me that told me to “breathe it all in, April. Allow yourself to feel it instead of fighting it, now let it out – let it go”. And I did. And in that moment, I had to write it all down. Everything I had felt in that moment that gave me strength, I had to remember it. I have that to hold onto now. I never want to feel like that again, but having this reminder resonates with me. We can’t control what happened in the past or how we felt, but we can always strive to be a better version of ourselves everyday.

I wanted to share what I had written that night. You can read it below.
June 18, 2016 at 11:07 PMIt’s raw and its me:
As I sit here on our hotel bed tonight, I am succumbed with emotions. I look back on where I have been and where I am now and I just breathe it all in. In through my nose, and out of my mouth… I count to 5… And I do it again. With every inhale, I allow myself to ‘feel’ every little thing, every emotion, every thought, every positive and negative. I allow myself to be at one with it all. And just as easily as I allow myself to feel, I allow myself to let go with every outpouring of my breath.

What we hold onto today, tonight, or from our “yesterdays”, we take into our tomorrows’. My frustration, my fear, my doubt, my insecurities, my dreams that will never become reality, my “expectations”… All disappear with a breath. I am able to allow myself to detach from things that don’t hold me to a higher place. I detach myself from things that don’t challenge, encourage or allow me to express my ability to be a better version of me. Today may have been amazing, and it was, but I cannot say that everyday – who really can? What I can say everyday is that when I lay in my bed at night, I breathe my day in and breathe my day out… I filter the good from the bad and I let it go. Knowing now, learning now, understanding me and who I want to be tomorrow and how I can achieve that.

I thank God everyday for giving me what I have and the ability to let go of things that I don’t need. I envision myself on an elevator of life, only heading up and on my way up, things/people/objects/emotions/immaturity/insecurities – they all have their “floor” to which I breathe them a fair goodbye and thank them for allowing me to learn from it and let them off, watch the door shut, and I smile knowing I am still on my way up. I am a better version of me, everyday I wake. But, I am not perfect, and sometimes to be better version of ourselves, we need to take a few steps back. I am humbled and always in need of being slapped in the face with reality every now and then. For it allows me to remember how much of my life I have control of and how little I can actually control.

So tonight, I breathe in and allow myself to trust, knowing that God always had a plan for my life and how little I can control that. I breathe out and let go of what I thought was to be, and allow what IS to fulfill my happiness tank and wake up tomorrow a new and better version of who I thought I was today.


What a year makes…

14 Jul

I’ve been digesting and trying to process the events of my life this past year. It’s been a rollercoaster ride full of emotions on either side of the spectrum. I felt deep emotional pain, happiness beyond words and have felt every hill in between. 

A year ago I was restricted to my dark bedroom with an emotional migraine from the depths of hell itself. I was so over whelmed with what was going on in my life that it seemed to seep out of my body with each pound. 

My life would never be the same. 

I had just found out I was having a girl and It was such a sweet moment grown out of the roots of thee unknown. In that exact moment everything I had felt up till that point felt as if it was being released out of my body as I laid in the dark. It’s hard to explain the feeling and some may think I’m insane, but I felt it. 

In an instant of knowing I would be having my girl, rivers ran down my face. They didn’t stop for 4 days. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone. I needed my time to let it all release. 

(The number 4 has had a significance in my story with Grace – but that’s a different post for a much different day)

What a year it’s been since that day. Since that moment I have been just soaking it all in. I can stare at my daughter for hours. Even though she has only been here for 7 months, I feel like I have known her my whole life. I feel it confirmed when I can see my Grandma in her face. It’s confirmed when I hear God tell me “I told you”. 

I never want to feel the hurt I had felt last year again, but I am happy to have felt it. It was real. It was raw and it was life. It was a reminder, again, about how little we have control over our lives. 


Which carrot are you?

11 Apr

Which carrot are you?

Last summer we planted some carrots in our garden. We spaced them out evenly and made sure they each had the same amount of soil and water. We cared for them by watering and pulling up any weeds that may have popped up to steal the nutrients away from our crop. It was a long couple of months being patient and waiting for the right time to pull up our harvest.

We got impatient a time or two and pulled one or two up here and there, but they were never the size we wanted or expected. So we waited more…

Until yesterday when it seemed fit to finally pull up our remaining crop for a dinner I was preparing. To my amazement, they were all different in size! None was like the other. You’d pull up one and it would be a really nice straight one and then you’d pull up the one right next to it and it would only be a couple of inches long.

The tops of the carrots all matched in height, their greenery was long and luscious, a deceiving outward appearance and not at all a real testament to what lies beneath.
It was a suspenseful moment in time pulling up all the carrots. A rewarding time, a “pulling of straws” if you will.
As I washed and sized up the harvest I laid them side by side. The biggest carrot next to the smallest. I wondered how two carrots could be completely opposite, yet had grown in the same elements; given the same amount of water, sun and attention. Two carrots who looked identical on the outside, were so different on the inside.

I began to get deep. I do that sometimes.

I thought about the adversities that one carrot can come into contact with. Carrots need a deep space to grow big and long, a hard accomplishment for a carrot when grown in soil above a land mass made of hard lava rock. Clearly they all had faced the harsh reality of the solid lava rocks below. A small carrot root is no match against it. So why, again I pondered, was one so much bigger and stronger than its counter?

I can’t speak for the carrots, but I can take a guess. Ready?

The longest and biggest carrot we pulled up was pulled up from between the lava rock cracks. It had found a way, underneath the soil and lava rock, to grow to its full potential.

Life is like this. People are like this.

On the outside you may all look the same, but on the inside, deep down beneath the surface is where your strength lies. We are all faced with challenges, lava rocks per say. Some of us choose to quit growing because we think that there is no more room. We see the obstacle and find it immovable, so we stay. We slow down our growth and stay where we think is our limit. We feel safe there because, hey, this just might be the end of the road. So we give up growing without even trying.

While some of us don’t give up. We see our lava rock and we laugh at it. We search for a hole, for a sliver, for a crack of light… because sometimes that’s all we need to grow to our next level, and we aim our roots and we push through it. We push through our battles, we push through our hard places, we push because we know if we can just find one open space, we can flourish.

So, I ask again…
Which carrot are you?

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