Tag Archives: funny

Square dance with me

18 Sep

I’m sitting at the bar counter in our kitchen while my husband is baking peanut butter cookies {If he wants cookies that bad, he’ll just bake ’em himself at 9pm. I know what you are thinking, but no, he’s not high – at least I don’t think he is}.

I lean over the counter and with a crooked smile I say:

“Hey babe… think Jeff Foxworthys’ ‘you know you’re a redneck when’ but make it ‘you know you’re a square when’ instead.”

He looks up from the hot oven with an “I am trying to process what you just said in warp speed” look.

“What would be your ‘when’ for the point you’d reach knowing you MUST truly be a square?”

He pushes out his words slowly and says with a hand motion that goes up and down…

“Uhhhh. When…… you didn’t have any oats……. to add to your peanut butter cookies…. soooo you took your wifes expensive Special K Oatmeal annndd….” I quickly interrupted….

“No. That’s retarded.  That’s not ‘Square’… I think you are missing the point of what a ‘Square’ is…”

I say in an hypocritical way, as if I knew exactly what it meant, but truthfully I was full of shit.

{Diiinnng}

He pulls out a batch of his freshly baked cookies. Annnd he goes into his happy moment of having cookies and milk, meaning that this conversation is over for him.

But I just couldn’t shake it, it got me thinking more into what the definition would be and how if you were a “Square”  there would be certain things you would do, say, think, act for someone to rightly call you “Square”. Right? What THE FUCK does that even mean? What does being called “A Square” supposed to imply? Do I even know what “A Square” is?  Is it a positive? A negative? doh!

I bet you are scratching your head right now like me, but if not, you have yourself been accused of acting so parallel or you have had the pleasure of being kicked out of a Jazz Night Club for doing a four-beat rhythm with conductors hands in the ’40’s, ’50;s or even the ’60’s {It’s true, look it up, the internet doesn’t lie people.. hehe}

I needed more info, and STAT! I found myself in a sea of online Q&A’s with people from all over the world pondering what it means to be called “A Square”. My findings were fascinating, to say the least:

“…It kinda means bland, vanilla, or whatever else you might say about someone who isn’t on top of the popular trends, fashions, music, fads, and everything else people think is cool. It means out-of-fashion, uncool, dorky, etc. 
In the 1950s the “rebellious” kids would tease the “straight-laced” kids about being square. Square kids were kinda traditional, not rebellious, played by the rules, dressed in a way that their parents approved of, studied hard and cared about school, respected their parents, were polite, didn’t act out, etc… The rebellious kids drank, smoked, had sex, swore, skipped school, stayed out late, lied to their parents, you get the picture…”
-Yahoo’s “Best Answer”

Do I get the picture?

Okay. FIRST off, why is she associating bland with vanilla? If you knew anything about vanilla it should be that it’s soooo not “bland”. Or, perhaps maybe you’re just used to imitation, fake vanilla…? That could totally be why.  {insert hair flip and eye-roll where you see fitting}

EVERYBODY knows it’s never safe to get just one opinion on certain subjects and this is one of them. So I continued to search for the definition of being a square.

“…a ‘square’ referred to someone who clung to repressive, traditional, stereotypical, one-sided,
or in the box ways of thinking.”
“…’All the squares go home!’ If the counterculture was a shift from conservatism to liberalism,
then square was what liberal people called conservative people and things.”
“Obie Trice in Adrenaline Rush: ‘You L7 like a square be’ (sic)”
– Wikipedia

{BTW – thanks to Wikipedia for teaching me that L7 is a derivative term for square. It’s easy, just take your left thumb and make an “L” shape with your hand, then make a “7” shape with your right hand. Put them together and WHHHAAAAA LA! Thank you L7 for allowing me to come up with my own gang sign for all “Squares” alike from around the world – Whatttt what!!!!!!!!! L7 fo life yo!}

picture009

wrong April, that looks like a rectangle – waayyyy different meaning… “But all rectangles arrrre squares moron”

Ah! There we are!

Ah! There we are! Whaaat what!!!

√√ YOU MIGHT BE “A SQUARE”  IF OR WHEN √√

  1. You’d rather eat at Jack IN the box rather than Taco Bell {because that would be thinking “outside the box”}
  2. You’d pay for the cow BEFORE you drink the milk 
  3. Your dream of becoming a TV star comes true when you are picked to play “The Hollywood Squares” game 
  4.  You chose not to “be there” – thus making you a Square. {Be there or be square} 
  5. You are yellow, spongy and only wear pants 
  6. You think that “Twerking” is a new app for your phone 
  7. You notice that people are trying to find the “area” of you 
  8. You’ve never woken up in your own vomit 
  9. You’ve never eagerly awaited for the local garbage truck driver to show up with his 6-pack abs, shirt off and a “howzzzit” at 11:30am every Wednesday {the best part of hump day hands down!

What is your YOU MIGHT BE A SQUARE IF/WHEN? Comment below and tell me about it! I’ll feature your answer on my list and site!

Fuck it, lets dance

Fuck it, lets dance

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The epic rise {and demise} of Tequila Tuesday

13 Sep

It’s bound to happen if you are a stay-at-home mom. You know, the weeks where nothing seems to go right. The baby screams bloody murder at everything, even when he’s happy; you find another pee soaked diaper hidden under your 6 year old’s bed {he apparently thinks is funny to see the smoke come from my ears}; you’re on your 1 billionth load of washing the same. damn. clothes. Or, how about standing in line at the DMV for almost an hour with your 2 yr old and come to find out that you have the WRONG car registration with you. Annnnd the kind of week that “if  those neighbors don’t stop GRINDING WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY GRIND 24/ FUCKING 7 I’M GOING DOWN THERE and it won’t be pretty!”. The kind of “Mom’s gonna lose it” and “OHHH LORD HELP ME NOT SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE!” weeks. Even the most hippie, calm-on-marijuana and God-like-holy person has had at least one of those weeks, I don’t care who you are. Be real. I seem to have those kinds of weeks more often than not now that my youngest is knee-deep into his terrible 2’s and my oldest seems to know it all.

One thing that can help a stay-at-home mom and  maintain a sane attitude is to be apart of a mom’s group. A group where you can be surrounded by other mom’s who are going through the same things as you. A group to make you feel that you are obviously not alone. Other mom’s who turn up the car radio just to drown out the crying. Other mom’s who aren’t afraid to interrupt an adult conversation by shouting  “Son! That’s your 2nd strike! Stop peeing down the slide annnnnd don’t let me see you looking up that girls dress anymore!!”  across the park. Other mom’s whose vocabulary consists of small, easy to understand, words. Especially after a long night of being woken up every 10 minutes because your child confused his sock with a snake and is now terrified it will come to life {even after telling him a gazillion times that there are NO snakes in Hawaii}. Basically, other human beings {who hopefully have vagina’s} who you can just be yourself with and not feel judged when your kid is eating Nutella sandwiches for breakfast. Other mom’s should understand… I say SHOULD with a higher tone of voice and my head tilted to the right – because quite frankly most of them arrrrre judging you. Sorry to break it to you. There’s no group of mom’s that are the exact same, we all have our different battles, and most of them will smile to your face then knock your parenting skills behind your back. But, if you dig through all the bullshit you are bound to find that special one that is truly worthy of all your shenanigans and insomniac random Snapchats at 1am. Yes! It’s TRUE!!! She DOES exist. I promise.

A good mom friend is one who makes your subconscious become reality. It’s like a bunch of girls randomly having their monthly cycles together, it’s a match made in Heaven. errrrrrr…. well sort of. A good friend will never question why you want to drink Tequila at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. She wouldn’t have to question you because she would be thinking the exact same thing, straight-up! Sometimes you just have things that happen during the week {even if it is only Tuesday} that make you want to drown in a huge margarita glass
{no salt on the rim please, makes it harder to chug}, things like the mentioned above…

…Or if you’re like me, your friend spilled a whole gallon of paint on her carpet and you didn’t hesitate when she distressfully asked if it was too early for a margarita and if I wanted one. “Ugh, ‘No’ to the first question and I’m sure the second was a statement and NOT soooo much a question, right?” – Sure!!! I’ll be a supportive friend!!! I’m reallllly good at that! {wink, wink}

“Well, April, you could have been supportive by helping her clean up the mess … instead of just drinking all of her Kirkland sized bottle of Tequila”

“Oh you’re sooo pretty!!! I’m afraid we can’t be friends”….

CRAIGSLIST AD:
___________________________________________________________________________________

ATTENTION!!!
CALLING ALL MOM’s!
YOU…
YES. YOU!
Tired of spending all day in the hot sun at a park that smells of homeless urine eagerly awaiting the day that you will find a good mommy friend to ride this crazy mommy ride with you?
Tired of trying to go out of your way to be nice to someone just to spend your nights/days drinking alone?
Do you just need to “not care” for a minute?

JOIN US FOR A
TEQUILA TUESDAY PLAY DATE

Where: We shall rotate houses when we can, but preferably yours.
When: Tuesdays @ 2:30 PM.
What to bring: Tequila & a good sense of humor {you could require an extra change of underwear} – oh and your kids {ugh they are always tagging along!} annnd probably a DD, preferably a husband or friend who will come pick up your sugared-crazed children at a later point.

What NOT to bring:

  • Food – we drink our calories and we just let the children raid the pantry, so please make sure if it’s your turn to host that you have everything processed and drenched in high fructose corn syrup,  stocked up and easily accessible on the lower shelf for an easy reach for the monsters in training pants.
  • Your husbands/boyfriends this is for vagina’s only. Unless your husband is willing to go to store for more margarita mix when we run out, or take the kids, he should stay away – I insist. 
  • Your “Debbie Downer” pants.  unless you just need to vent in-between shaking and pouring.
  • Your sense of time – time truly does just “fly by” and Tequila Tuesday Play dates has been known to make the hours between 3PM and 10PM just disappear.

Please email the leader of the group: “The Square” at tequilatuesdayplaydate@mommysgonecrazyforreal.doh! for more info! Or, the next time you’re hoping that your baby doesn’t poop in the public pool {not again!} take a look around and you just might find another mom feeling the same way! The perfect friend to share in your Tequila Tuesday Play date!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Thus the birth of “Tequila Tuesday Play dates” – annnd the demise of “Tequila Tuesday Play dates”. But, while it was short-lived {okay, we only made it through one play date before we canceled them} – it was totally worth  throwing up in my bed the next morning and the week hangover.

Side note: I am truly sorry to the mommy who wrote this. Maybe she found the Craigslist Ad and you didn’t?

I also give advice

8 Jul

I have discovered a new disciplinary action I can take on my “lets ever test mom” fruit from my loin, minions. Actually, It came to me in my “I have to come up with something better” brain storming session.

Well, maybe I can’t use it right now since where we live there aren’t any Seagull’s… but somewhere in the near future I see myself whipping this one out of my “mommy don’t mess around” pants pocket.

Seagull’s are from the Devil himself. I have reason to believe that they do most of his shitty work! {yes! pun intended} If you have lived or do live anywhere near these dreaded things, just move. Or in fact, just write this down under your list of PRO’s for these nasty, hateful doers.

I grew up going to the beaches on the West Coast and nothing scared me more than those damned birds, okay seaweed and floating diapers were a close second, but the birds win it hands down. So why not put a little fear in your kids. It’s healthy. Even if it means they are scared of birds for the rest of their lives {annnd most likely will have to go to hours of therapy because they can’t get the imagine out of their head}, it’s a risk I am willing to take.

I have come up with a very tactful and most highly achievable way to get your kids to listen to you. Say, for instance, little “I wipe my own butt” wasn’t listening to you and nooooooooooooo matter what you did nothing stopped him from finding it OH SOOOO funny to pee in the bathroom soap dispenser {true story}.Well, no more, little “I eat my own boogers because they are salty”, NO MORE! The time to listen to MOM; MASTER OF ALL THINGS, IS NOW!!

Here’s how it can go down:

You pull your child close, just so you and them can hear the words seeping out of your confident, sturdy mouth. You say something like this to them:

“Listen carefully and carefully listen riiiiight now… I am going to give you one more chance to start listening or else boiiiiiiiiii, your butt is going to be on that shore line with a bag of Lays Baked Potato Chips begging to the Lord that those Seagull’s don’t bite your hand off, tooooo fast. I have nooooo problem with letting them peck at your hand until it bleeds or if they are hungry enough, chew it right off. Seagulls marvel at the happiness that they will encounter by little boys who disobey, like you. I. Swear. To. You! You only get ONE. MORE. CHANCE. Or sooooooooooo help me GOD, I will go to Costco and get the variety pack and make you stand out there forrrrrrr HOURS and you just HOPE TO GOD that they have mercy on you because right now, it’s all up to them. Go ahead and test me on that oneeeeeee. If you want to live a future with all your appendages intact, I would listen, and listen NOOOWWWWWWWW! Do you understand?! I hope to God that you do, because those Seagulls have been watching your actions, and they are ready to attack!!!!”

If just the mere telling them this prospected horror doesn’t do the trick, well then ACTUALLY do it. I don’t know about you, but Seagull’s are vicious birds that apparently are high on Potato Chip CRACK {where can I get some?} and will fight to the death for one morsel of salty goodness {can you blame them?}. They scare the crap out of me and I am sure they will put a little fear in your kid.

Use this to your advantage.

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You won’t regret it once you see the horror look on your kids face when the creature comes soaring down headed straight at your kids face squawking and screeching. Not just one, but a hundred will catch the attention of your chip-holding disobedient child, and once that happens, the plan has official been put into play. Make it even more interesting for onlookers and draw a circle in the sand and tell your child they can’t leave that circle and that they have to stand there holding out their hands full of chips until all the chips are gone. Once all the chips are gone, pour remaining crumbs in your child’s hand and set your watch to 3 minutes. Why? Because the birds are most aggressive once they find out that the food is almost gone. Threaten to set your timer for a longer period of time if they haven’t learned the lesson yet. Be strong even when your child starts to scream, cry, or bleed, it’s just the sounds and wounds of learning a hard lesson. Be patient.

And, maybe, just for shits and giggles, when you get home, show them the movie The Birds and see if that doesn’t seal the deal on your end.

Just see.

So there you are, say at the store, and little “I-pee-in-soap-dispensers” is acting up again. Merely threaten.

Do I hear seagulls? {hold your hand up to your ear} I believe that they are hungry today! Should we go seeeeeeee? ….. No? Okay, well then knock IT OFF before we magically end up in Seagull Hell!”

Their little heads will remember having Seagulls almost eat them, and they will almost immediately straighten up. I guarantee it. Then in the near future you should be on the path to just having to make Seagull squawking sounds to get them to be reminded of the horror and get in line. It’s really as simple as that.

But…

If you have learned that your child is not scared of Seagulls or birds, the probability of  you watching them get shit on by a couple of birds is hopeful and enjoying, which always makes me feel better about my kids not listening. So either way, it’s a win, win!!!! Winning!

seagulls_feeding 

Warning: please take my parenting advice with a grain of salt, in fact, take it with a grain of salty booger.
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