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The epic rise {and demise} of Tequila Tuesday

13 Sep

It’s bound to happen if you are a stay-at-home mom. You know, the weeks where nothing seems to go right. The baby screams bloody murder at everything, even when he’s happy; you find another pee soaked diaper hidden under your 6 year old’s bed {he apparently thinks is funny to see the smoke come from my ears}; you’re on your 1 billionth load of washing the same. damn. clothes. Or, how about standing in line at the DMV for almost an hour with your 2 yr old and come to find out that you have the WRONG car registration with you. Annnnd the kind of week that “if  those neighbors don’t stop GRINDING WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY GRIND 24/ FUCKING 7 I’M GOING DOWN THERE and it won’t be pretty!”. The kind of “Mom’s gonna lose it” and “OHHH LORD HELP ME NOT SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF SOMEONE!” weeks. Even the most hippie, calm-on-marijuana and God-like-holy person has had at least one of those weeks, I don’t care who you are. Be real. I seem to have those kinds of weeks more often than not now that my youngest is knee-deep into his terrible 2’s and my oldest seems to know it all.

One thing that can help a stay-at-home mom and  maintain a sane attitude is to be apart of a mom’s group. A group where you can be surrounded by other mom’s who are going through the same things as you. A group to make you feel that you are obviously not alone. Other mom’s who turn up the car radio just to drown out the crying. Other mom’s who aren’t afraid to interrupt an adult conversation by shouting  “Son! That’s your 2nd strike! Stop peeing down the slide annnnnd don’t let me see you looking up that girls dress anymore!!”  across the park. Other mom’s whose vocabulary consists of small, easy to understand, words. Especially after a long night of being woken up every 10 minutes because your child confused his sock with a snake and is now terrified it will come to life {even after telling him a gazillion times that there are NO snakes in Hawaii}. Basically, other human beings {who hopefully have vagina’s} who you can just be yourself with and not feel judged when your kid is eating Nutella sandwiches for breakfast. Other mom’s should understand… I say SHOULD with a higher tone of voice and my head tilted to the right – because quite frankly most of them arrrrre judging you. Sorry to break it to you. There’s no group of mom’s that are the exact same, we all have our different battles, and most of them will smile to your face then knock your parenting skills behind your back. But, if you dig through all the bullshit you are bound to find that special one that is truly worthy of all your shenanigans and insomniac random Snapchats at 1am. Yes! It’s TRUE!!! She DOES exist. I promise.

A good mom friend is one who makes your subconscious become reality. It’s like a bunch of girls randomly having their monthly cycles together, it’s a match made in Heaven. errrrrrr…. well sort of. A good friend will never question why you want to drink Tequila at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. She wouldn’t have to question you because she would be thinking the exact same thing, straight-up! Sometimes you just have things that happen during the week {even if it is only Tuesday} that make you want to drown in a huge margarita glass
{no salt on the rim please, makes it harder to chug}, things like the mentioned above…

…Or if you’re like me, your friend spilled a whole gallon of paint on her carpet and you didn’t hesitate when she distressfully asked if it was too early for a margarita and if I wanted one. “Ugh, ‘No’ to the first question and I’m sure the second was a statement and NOT soooo much a question, right?” – Sure!!! I’ll be a supportive friend!!! I’m reallllly good at that! {wink, wink}

“Well, April, you could have been supportive by helping her clean up the mess … instead of just drinking all of her Kirkland sized bottle of Tequila”

“Oh you’re sooo pretty!!! I’m afraid we can’t be friends”….

CRAIGSLIST AD:
___________________________________________________________________________________

ATTENTION!!!
CALLING ALL MOM’s!
YOU…
YES. YOU!
Tired of spending all day in the hot sun at a park that smells of homeless urine eagerly awaiting the day that you will find a good mommy friend to ride this crazy mommy ride with you?
Tired of trying to go out of your way to be nice to someone just to spend your nights/days drinking alone?
Do you just need to “not care” for a minute?

JOIN US FOR A
TEQUILA TUESDAY PLAY DATE

Where: We shall rotate houses when we can, but preferably yours.
When: Tuesdays @ 2:30 PM.
What to bring: Tequila & a good sense of humor {you could require an extra change of underwear} – oh and your kids {ugh they are always tagging along!} annnd probably a DD, preferably a husband or friend who will come pick up your sugared-crazed children at a later point.

What NOT to bring:

  • Food – we drink our calories and we just let the children raid the pantry, so please make sure if it’s your turn to host that you have everything processed and drenched in high fructose corn syrup,  stocked up and easily accessible on the lower shelf for an easy reach for the monsters in training pants.
  • Your husbands/boyfriends this is for vagina’s only. Unless your husband is willing to go to store for more margarita mix when we run out, or take the kids, he should stay away – I insist. 
  • Your “Debbie Downer” pants.  unless you just need to vent in-between shaking and pouring.
  • Your sense of time – time truly does just “fly by” and Tequila Tuesday Play dates has been known to make the hours between 3PM and 10PM just disappear.

Please email the leader of the group: “The Square” at tequilatuesdayplaydate@mommysgonecrazyforreal.doh! for more info! Or, the next time you’re hoping that your baby doesn’t poop in the public pool {not again!} take a look around and you just might find another mom feeling the same way! The perfect friend to share in your Tequila Tuesday Play date!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Thus the birth of “Tequila Tuesday Play dates” – annnd the demise of “Tequila Tuesday Play dates”. But, while it was short-lived {okay, we only made it through one play date before we canceled them} – it was totally worth  throwing up in my bed the next morning and the week hangover.

Side note: I am truly sorry to the mommy who wrote this. Maybe she found the Craigslist Ad and you didn’t?

I also give advice

8 Jul

I have discovered a new disciplinary action I can take on my “lets ever test mom” fruit from my loin, minions. Actually, It came to me in my “I have to come up with something better” brain storming session.

Well, maybe I can’t use it right now since where we live there aren’t any Seagull’s… but somewhere in the near future I see myself whipping this one out of my “mommy don’t mess around” pants pocket.

Seagull’s are from the Devil himself. I have reason to believe that they do most of his shitty work! {yes! pun intended} If you have lived or do live anywhere near these dreaded things, just move. Or in fact, just write this down under your list of PRO’s for these nasty, hateful doers.

I grew up going to the beaches on the West Coast and nothing scared me more than those damned birds, okay seaweed and floating diapers were a close second, but the birds win it hands down. So why not put a little fear in your kids. It’s healthy. Even if it means they are scared of birds for the rest of their lives {annnd most likely will have to go to hours of therapy because they can’t get the imagine out of their head}, it’s a risk I am willing to take.

I have come up with a very tactful and most highly achievable way to get your kids to listen to you. Say, for instance, little “I wipe my own butt” wasn’t listening to you and nooooooooooooo matter what you did nothing stopped him from finding it OH SOOOO funny to pee in the bathroom soap dispenser {true story}.Well, no more, little “I eat my own boogers because they are salty”, NO MORE! The time to listen to MOM; MASTER OF ALL THINGS, IS NOW!!

Here’s how it can go down:

You pull your child close, just so you and them can hear the words seeping out of your confident, sturdy mouth. You say something like this to them:

“Listen carefully and carefully listen riiiiight now… I am going to give you one more chance to start listening or else boiiiiiiiiii, your butt is going to be on that shore line with a bag of Lays Baked Potato Chips begging to the Lord that those Seagull’s don’t bite your hand off, tooooo fast. I have nooooo problem with letting them peck at your hand until it bleeds or if they are hungry enough, chew it right off. Seagulls marvel at the happiness that they will encounter by little boys who disobey, like you. I. Swear. To. You! You only get ONE. MORE. CHANCE. Or sooooooooooo help me GOD, I will go to Costco and get the variety pack and make you stand out there forrrrrrr HOURS and you just HOPE TO GOD that they have mercy on you because right now, it’s all up to them. Go ahead and test me on that oneeeeeee. If you want to live a future with all your appendages intact, I would listen, and listen NOOOWWWWWWWW! Do you understand?! I hope to God that you do, because those Seagulls have been watching your actions, and they are ready to attack!!!!”

If just the mere telling them this prospected horror doesn’t do the trick, well then ACTUALLY do it. I don’t know about you, but Seagull’s are vicious birds that apparently are high on Potato Chip CRACK {where can I get some?} and will fight to the death for one morsel of salty goodness {can you blame them?}. They scare the crap out of me and I am sure they will put a little fear in your kid.

Use this to your advantage.

th

You won’t regret it once you see the horror look on your kids face when the creature comes soaring down headed straight at your kids face squawking and screeching. Not just one, but a hundred will catch the attention of your chip-holding disobedient child, and once that happens, the plan has official been put into play. Make it even more interesting for onlookers and draw a circle in the sand and tell your child they can’t leave that circle and that they have to stand there holding out their hands full of chips until all the chips are gone. Once all the chips are gone, pour remaining crumbs in your child’s hand and set your watch to 3 minutes. Why? Because the birds are most aggressive once they find out that the food is almost gone. Threaten to set your timer for a longer period of time if they haven’t learned the lesson yet. Be strong even when your child starts to scream, cry, or bleed, it’s just the sounds and wounds of learning a hard lesson. Be patient.

And, maybe, just for shits and giggles, when you get home, show them the movie The Birds and see if that doesn’t seal the deal on your end.

Just see.

So there you are, say at the store, and little “I-pee-in-soap-dispensers” is acting up again. Merely threaten.

Do I hear seagulls? {hold your hand up to your ear} I believe that they are hungry today! Should we go seeeeeeee? ….. No? Okay, well then knock IT OFF before we magically end up in Seagull Hell!”

Their little heads will remember having Seagulls almost eat them, and they will almost immediately straighten up. I guarantee it. Then in the near future you should be on the path to just having to make Seagull squawking sounds to get them to be reminded of the horror and get in line. It’s really as simple as that.

But…

If you have learned that your child is not scared of Seagulls or birds, the probability of  you watching them get shit on by a couple of birds is hopeful and enjoying, which always makes me feel better about my kids not listening. So either way, it’s a win, win!!!! Winning!

seagulls_feeding 

Warning: please take my parenting advice with a grain of salt, in fact, take it with a grain of salty booger.
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Bar bets

25 Jun

I love bar bets. I’ve won a few and failed at many. But they always can lighten up a room, boring party, or your grandmas memorial service.

Here are a few that I plan on using in the near future. Who knows, you could even be on my targeted list, so pay attention. Smarty.

 

Annnd you should subscribe to that dudes YouTube thingy, he’s got shit tons more!

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