Assholes at Costco

I am an asshole – um, wait, let me rephrase that. I am the right kind of asshole.  I am a different kind of asshole than the ones I usually don’t get along with and I told you that, to tell you this:

I love Costco. I love to people watch at Costco while I am shopping. This so happens to be a story about starting witnessing an argument with a wrong kind of asshole and a check-out clerk at Costco.

I arrived home from doing some errands recently and listened to some voice mails that were left on my phone {since I no longer have an icontrolyourlife phone, I tend to not take my phone everywhere I go anymore, it’s quite liberating}.  I got some voice mails from this person and that person, yadda yadda… all sort of “delete” material. I soon became “delete” happy and was about to hit 7 when I heard something interesting…

“Hello, my name is ______ and I am calling from the Kailua-Kona Costco” – weird… Did I order pictures? Nope – so I held my “delete” finger back and continued to listen….

“I have a few questions for you regarding a matter that happened on {such and such date} with one of our stores check-out clerks…”– uhhhh did I get into an argument? Did I black out at Costco…again? Why don’t I remember any incident with any clerk? Dang – I bet it was good.

“If you could, please give me a call at your earliest convenience at {such and such number with a fancy extension number}. Mahalo”

I feel like I missed something.

Until I remembered.

I haaad recalled an “incident” that had happened a few months back, but clearly it wasn’t anything that was myyy fault, naturally. Or was it?

Have you ever been to Costco {or any other store} when it’s just pure chaos? Long, wrap down the aisle, lines; People stopping in the middle of the aisle to leave their giant shopping carts to block everyone behind them while they stare at sausages for 5 minutes; People shoving and slimming their way in front of you to get a piece of that New York Cheesecake sample? It’s a recipe for disaster for people who have high anxiety, like yours truly. But, truth be told, this story isn’t about my grown-up angst – no, no it’s not. I’ll explain…

I knew it was a chaotic day at Costco when we arrived and had to park in BFE {Bum fuck Egypt}, but we live in Hawaii and I really didn’t want to have to drive all the way back down the hill again and I honestly just wanted my Tazo Chai Tea, like now! So I dove and ditched my way around the cart-leaving, line-cutting, sample-stealing, assholes!! I got my things as fast as I could and headed to check out. Knowing the lines were long I got out a game and a snack to keep my youngest son preoccupied while we hurried up to wait. I stood in the back of the line which was down the chip and snack aisle.  Unlike the bus, being in the back isn’t as much fun in this scenario. {“Ah ha, hush that fuss…everybody move to the back of the bus”}

So there I was in the middle of an intense game of stare with those PopKettle Chips {soo good} until I blinked. I clearly lost and threw them in the cart {unaware of what was about to happen}. Damn those lines! They make me engage in food product stare and 100% of the time, I lose every time {ha!} and they make me buy items that weren’t on my list! Nice move Costco, nice move. It wasn’t until I almost threw in the box of mac nuts, {that I fell a prisoner to} that I noticed the line move up. I quickly tossed those mac nuts back and moved up. I happened to notice the line all of a sudden seemed to be going more quickly then it did before. I peeked around the people in front of me and noticed that the other line pirates where jumping ship and going to other lines. When people get out of one line and go into another one usually only means one thing: some asshole is holding up the line. The wrong kind of asshole, in this case. Annnnd I was right.

I have been that asshole one too many times, though. You wouldn’t believe the sounds and grumbles that seep out of the mouths of people waiting behind me when they see me pull out my coupons. Dang people, you’d think I was writing a check or doing something that wasn’t “up-to-date”. Everyone uses coupons, so get over it and shove that whinny tone back into your mouth before I decide to ask for a price check on .all. of. my. items.

See what I did there?
Holding up a line to use coupons = right kind {RK} of asshole. 
Threatening to have a price check done on all of my items = wrong kind {WK} of asshole. 

Anyway.

I couldn’t help but stay in the “held up by a wrong-kind-of asshole” line because #1. I felt bad because I’ve been there; #2. I wanted in on this action of Bitter Customer vs. The Patience of Check Out Clerk. I’m a sucker for witnessing times like this. I have worked in the customer service industry for over 10+ years and I know the patience it takes to deal with unruly, out of line, and just plain uncouth people. To be honest, it takes more patience to deal with bad mannered customers than it does a screaming toddler. I can always lock myself in the bathroom with my hands over my ears while rocking back and forth until the meds kick in or the baby stops screaming, but you most certainly can’t do that {even though you want to} when a customer decides to be a complete dick.

If you are having a bad day and have a bad attitude, why is it that all you assholes decide that you want to go out?

“Heeeeey, I am being a complete dick and I want to go out and park my car sideways in the parking lot, push some kids ice-cream cone to the ground and bug some waitress about how horrible my meal was AFTER I’ve eaten it all…. wanna come?!”

DICK.

Let me help you with some advice: stay home, take a Xanax, pray, go dig a hole somewhere, have a cocktail at home, go put something in your pipe and watch Robin Williams Live On Broadway, do it, do anything else – but DO NOT, DOOOO NOT go out into public where you require the help of someone else, with that attitude. We know you when you walk in, we can smell you, we can sense your ugliness with your first glare or unhappy sigh. It’s just something us customer service people can sense. Don’t ask us how, it’s just our nature I suppose.

Anyone with me on that one?

I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer to be the “third wheel” in situations like this, especially the one I was about to be in on at Costco.

Okay, soooo there I was at Costco, witnessing this WK of asshole couple {tourists no doubt!} with two huge flat-bed carts full of stuff. They were lobster red, a dead “I’m a tourist” giveaway and they were not happy. I missed a lot of the conversation and I’m pretty sure it was good because we had been standing there a while and nothing was moving. I tried to listen in more carefully to the conversation, now that I was the only other customer in this particular WK “asshole” line, but my youngest son grew tiresome of waiting and was now trying to climb out of the cart and started to scream a deathly ear pinching scream when I told him to sit back down {ya know, the kind of scream that makes old people shrivel up and possibly shit themselves}. It was fine with me, I could handle it, I really didn’t care about the siren coming out of this tiny creature. I wanted to listen to the real assholes…

“Sir, I can’t tell you again. You can’t purchase anything from our store without having a membership card with us. It’s our policy and everyone else {she extends her arm out addressing all that are witnesses} has a membership to shop here. You may go over to our customer service desk where you may purchase a membership card” – The clerk says to the WK asshole, trying to be patient with him, again.

You can obviously tell she had tried to explain it to them already, more than once, but they wouldn’t budge. While the clerk is trying to explain this to the man, the woman is searching through her purse pulling out every single membership card she has, holding it up like it might actually work. UNREAL. I, however, noticed I was not the only other customer involved with this conversation when another customer offered their card for them to use as their “guest”…

“Sir, you can’t have any “guests” use your card unless you are willing to pay for their items.The name on the payment must match the name of the membership card. If not you will still have to go to the customer service desk to get a card before you can purchase anything from us…” The clerk says being annoyed at having to repeat herself once again.

So wouldn’t you know it. The man gestures to the wife to stay in the line and the WK asshole man goes to the customer service desk. The clerk and I catch eyes and we both quickly turn our eyes to the WK asshole woman standing there like we were trying to summon bad-vibes her way. I had to stick it out until the WK asshole returned, I was too involved to turn back now!  5-7  minutes later  he did return with a membership card and things were starting to look up. I hoped we would be cashing out soon until it came time for the WK assholes to pay.

“Sir, we do not accept Discover Credit Cards, we only accept American Express, Check or Debit Card….” The clerk said secretly wishing they HAD accepted Discover just to get these people out of there, I suspect.

OBVIOUSLY WK assholes never have the right form of payment and this lead to an even more pissed off WK asshole ….

“I cannot believe this, this whole time we have been dealing with you. First we have to get membership and now you say we cannot pay!” The WK asshole starts getting loud…

“I did not say you cannot pay, sir. It’s our company policy that we only allow certain types of payments, which is noted right here {she points right in front of the WK asshole, who in fact was looking right at it the whole time}. We only accept, American Express, Check, or Debit Cards.” She {becoming the RK of asshole herself} explains, again.

Now the wife is still digging through her Chanel purse in hopes that she would find something that would work, I guess. After shuffling through a shit ton of credit cards, she finally pulls out a credit card that she literally throws at the check out clerk. Seriously, throws it. To which the clerk sigh’s, bends over and picks it up and hands it back to the lady and informs her that she has to slide it herself in the machine. The WK asshole couple, I swear to you, both rolled their eyes and grunted so loud like it was such an inconvenience to have to do it themselves. Heaven forbid that you have to do the work of us peasants!

Now, I can tell a person on the verge of having fire come out of their eyes and smoke from their ears {I’ve been there one too many times} and this clerk was about one eye roll or nasty comment away from both when the WK assholes started to walk away with their items without their needed recipe.

“Sir, you need your recipe to get out the door…” She states as the man roughly grabs the recipe from her hand, while ripping the recipe in half. The man just stood there looking at the clerk, like it was her fault. Without any words she hands him the other half, holding back, I’m sure, some profanities she wished to mumble. Honestly if it were me, I would have thrown it on the floor and made him pick it up… but that’s just me being an RK of an asshole. I bet at this point she wanted to run and lock herself in the bathroom and down a Costco-sized bottle of vodka. Wouldn’t you?

It was FINALLY my turn to cash out and knowing what this poor clerk just went through I tried to smile nicely. She was flustered and was sweating from her forehead {possibly from restraining herself back from slapping the shit out of those WK of assholes}. I smiled nicely and said these words to her:

“Just breathe…” And I gestured holding my hands up as I breathed in and pushed my hands down as I exhaled. Hoping she would follow suit, but that simply just backfired and started what I imagine was the “incident” that I was called about.

“Yeah, no. Sooome people just like to give me a hard time” The clerk said unknowing that the man and woman WK of assholes were still standing there looking at their recipe and over heard her talking to me.

“Some people!?! Are we those people?! We’re we giving you a hard time? I don’t believe this!!!” The WK of asshole woman started to get loud as she started to get into the clerks face behind the checkout stand.

I just stood there waiting for my recipe to watch this all unfold.

I didn’t mean to start anything, but clearly I had. The clerk wasn’t having any of it… She retrained herself for a moment while she called over to the manager.

“Can I have a manager help me on lane #7, I need to get these people out of here” She was trying to remain as calm as possible, but I could tell she was about to break! Annnnnd she did.

Finally.

“I don’t deserve to be treated this way by people {WK of assholes} who are so oblivious!” The clerk said to the manager while starting to get loud back which started an all out war of Customer vs. Clerk. It was what I was waiting for this whole time, finally some action! I felt like I should be a booky and start taking bets on this battle, but I didn’t want to be an WK of an asshole, so I restrained myself {pat myself on the back, thank you very much}.

“Excuse me? We don’t deserve to be talked to like that and we don’t want to be associated with this store. Please cancel our membership and we would like to return all of these items! How dare you!” The WK of assholes started to act like they were the innocent. Don’t you just love how it’s the Wk of assholes who always play the victim after they’ve been called out on their Wk of ass-hole-ness?!

It was at this time that the clerk was replaced by another clerk and I was still waiting there in the middle for my recipe. At any time I could have just reached over and took it myself, but I couldn’t help but think I started this…

Well maybe I didn’t start it, but I did clearly add fuel to the fire, and to be honest, I was glad I did.

I know customer service people are told to act like the customer is always right, but there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed. You should have respect for the people who are helping you. The clerk had the patience, even when the lady threw her credit card at her, but it’s when you start thinking that the person who is helping you is below you that shit will hit the fan. I’m glad shit hit the fan and I’m glad those snobby people won’t ever be back to my Costco.

I eventually was handed my recipe and I slyly slipped out unnoticed {since my “third wheel” status was quickly turning into  “accomplice” status, and I had to shut that down} while the WK of assholes, the manager and the clerk were still “discussing” what had just happened.

It’s hard to say what my part in this incident was, but I somehow was tracked down and called regarding this incident.

My question is, what do I say? Do I tell them my part in this whole situation? Does my part even matter at all… well clearly it did, because they called me. Do they even have the right to research my part in it?

I am guessing {since I have to get my story straight before I call them back} that the clerk was fired. Sad. She might even be claiming wrongful termination and they might actually be “investigating” the incident. Who knows what happened after I left, for all I know, those people could have been some “high up” society people {or even celebrities} who had the power to get her fired. I don’t know…I don’t care “who” they were. What I know is that they were the WRONG KIND of ASSHOLES and I have no problem tattle telling on them.

I also know that the WK of assholes are everywhere. And if you are like me, you enjoy seeing them get what’s coming to them, even if it means helping this clerk get her job back {if she even did lose it}. I guess I shall find out once I build up enough courage to call them back…

Don’t get me wrong, I can be an asshole sometimes, but there are clearly different levels of assholes, you should know that by now.

If you are looking for the answers and contemplating weather or not you, yourself, may or may not be an asshole {the right or wrong kind} you can always take this test to find out

Let us all be assholes, that is if we are the right kind of asshole, of course… Cheers!

Tags: asshole line, assholes at costco, costco, credit card not accepted, dumb tourist, everyone knows that, fight at costco, funny, im innocent, it wasn't me, now this is parenting, parenting, tazo chai tea, third wheel, you have to have a membership to shop at costco