When my husband and I were dating before we got married I used to get really jealous of his super-human ability to fall asleep once his head hit his pillow. I still don’t know how he does it, but I just deal with it differently now. He used to tell me crazy things to help myself fall asleep faster too, like “just close your eyes and think about something soothing – ya know, like crashing waves or something like that”. I used to roll my eyes and ignore his ridiculous regimen and try again to think about anything other than the racing thoughts that were going through my head. There was no way I could just stop the madness and think about one thing to soothe myself to sleep.
One night I lied short of screaming obscenities into my pillow and decided to take his advice and I tried to focus on the “waves crashing” idea. I took some deep breaths and tried to clear my head and picture the ocean, the waves and their sounds. That’s when my mind started to wonder like it typically does… Was it Summer or Winter waves that were crashing? Would it be day or nighttime waves? Was the tide high or low? Would there be a break in-between sets? Were the waves crashing on rocks or sand? Because, EVERYONE knows that they make different sounds when crashing on sand vs. rocks…
Soon the “waves crashing” would turn into memories of growing up in Southern California and going to Oceanside Harbor beach and getting sucked under the waves and being covered in seaweed and trying not to get attacked by jellyfish. Then I would start to think about Jellyfish… and how you’re supposed to pee on any and all Jellyfish stings because, well it’s just funny. I’d then giggle a little while I reminisced of a certain Jellyfish sting incident I had a few years back. Then, with all those thoughts of peeing and the ocean, I would with no doubt have to get up for a bathroom break. I’d sit there on the toilet while one or two drops of pee would come out and I’d crawl back into bed. I’d lay down to the sound of my husbands loud snoring and I’d get even more livid. I’d let out a “mother F’er” under my breath and I’d proceed to accidentally cough, sneeze or “flop” down on the bed quickly to startle his sleep. I’d do this just because I was mad that he had fallen asleep so quickly and I was too busy to sleep because I was thinking about the hilarious cure for a Jellyfish sting! I needed to interrupt him. It’s only fair. He’d mumble something while he turned over like “uhhh get those shelves over there and hold them here while I measure the distance to that counter with the uhh, with the uhhhh… Can you do that? You’re not doing it….fine, I’ll do it myself. Please move your blocking my waaaa….” then he’d stop, mid sleep sentence and not 3 seconds later he’d start laughing. What was funny? What did I miss? Then a few seconds after that, he’d be snoring again. True story. This happens at least 5-7 days a week.
I love my husband, he has SO many awesome talents, but, like most husbands, has some not… so…. awesome… talents.
BUT…
For whatever reason, God has given my husband the gift ability to have full on action packed dreams. Not only are his dreams very verbal, but they are a full on production. He is in full movement and you’d better be ready to improv or else he gets mad at you for not wanting to help him hold up the paper Chinese lantern you have hanging over your bed at 2am. It’s sooo heavy and its going to fall and crush us all! Ahhhhh!
I have learned the hard way that it is near impossible to have a full nights sleep with my husband {having kids is the easy part}. His “sleep-walking” dreams {to call it that, is an injustice I assure you} are so intense sometimes that they become hazardous. To this day I have wanted to set up a camera just to record his dreams. He refuses to let me because he is scared of actually seeing himself in Dream Ninja Action Mode {“D-NAM “or “DNA-mode”? I can’t decide}. I don’t blame him, but what about the rest of us! Why can’t we have a little fun at his expense… I vote ‘yes’!
Okay, so since I can’t show you an awesome sleep ninja video, I’ll just have to share some stories…. But that might have to be a different time for a different post because I am tired! BUT FIRST I have to try to fall asleep…
{lays down, closes eyes. Images of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches dancing around appear in my head. This is obviously my subconscious storing the information about what my son will be eating for school lunch tomorrow. Peanut butter and jelly.
Jelly.
Jellyfish.
Back to the Jellyfish. Another chuckle… hehehe…pee}
Oh damn.
“Found out today that you are supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting,
NOT
a jelly stain.
Sorry strange lady at the waffle house.
I was merely trying to help.”
Every Day In April 
You said it!