We should all just be naked anyway

I’m starting to feel like one of those aging women who don’t know that it’s past the time that they needed to stop dressing like a teenager. I had this epiphany when going through my closet this morning in hopes I would find something for the “Closet Swap” I am going to tomorrow. I couldn’t find anything that wouldn’t make me look like a teenage hoarder. There are clothes in there that I have had since I was fifteen. No joke. Half of my hanging items aren’t doing me much justice since I can’t fit into them anyway. Oh, you know the classic clothing items that you just can’t part with because… “This will totally fit me after I lose all my baby weight”. Let’s just be honest with ourselves, that size -O-, pre-baby, jean mini-skirt that you bought when you were 19 and did keg-stands in at “Hooter-ville”, is never going to fit you again. Annnnnd no matter how much you pray and wish and throw-up, it’s just the facts, it won’t ever fit you again.

It’s a sad awakening for me.

I tried to look for something that I may have possibly bought recently that I could get rid of. I zoned in on a teal dress that still had the tags on it, a sure sign indicating I probably wouldn’t miss it. I pulled it off the rod and held it up to myself {“Okay dress, this is your last chance to impress me”}. It then came to my mind that this would fit a baby.

“Ugh… April… who in the world would this fit?! Seriously”.

I can’t help that I still have to shop in the Juniors Department! {or that it took me several tries just now to even spell the word ‘junior’ correctly}Annnnd heaven forbid that I EVER have to shop in the “Petite” section. If you ever find my ass shopping in that section, please slap me and lead me in the direction of the underwear.

{You could say something like this:}

{“Oh girl, you don’t want to be in this section. Annnd you most definitely don’t want to buy those pants you have in your hands. Look at them! They look like they were made for an Oompa Loompa! Now com’on and goooo this way and you will find something amazing”}

It’s so frustrating to find anything that fits me that doesn’t make me look like I’m in high school. It’s a typical shopping horror for me! I usually come home empty-handed or with a ton of underwear… it’s the only thing that I don’t find frustrating for vertically challenged people like myself. It’s underwear. It’s simple. Not like all these “skinny jeans” that don’t look right at all for anyone under 5’2″ anyway. AGGGHHHHH! Skinny jeans are everywhere!!!!

It’s safe to say that my closet lacks, but I guess that’s just who I am. I’ve never been the one to be in the most latest trends. I am a simple “Jean’s and a tank” kind of girl. A girl who, in fact, has a bad habit of letting go of those blue jeans that used to fit so perfectly but now have huge holes in the ass of them. Really?! Why. Do. I. Still. Have. Them…

Anyway.

Oh, so you say that the Closet Swap is now an “Accessories Swap”…. well now I’m really fucked! Unless you want one of my old hemp and mushroom bead necklaces my teal dress is looking more and more promising.

Tags: funny